....so I looked down in utter horror, knowing that this would be the only fragment of you I would ever be able to see or touch. How can it be that your life inside me was so dramatically brief that we never even had the chance to say goodbye? Yet there you are, terrifying in your sudden visibility and seemingly there just to make it known that you had to go. These words, they cannot be written without re-enacting every single second of that bitter pain.
The guilt gnaws away at my every pore, making my skin squirm and shudder from the misguided belief that I myself had caused your demise. Why did I not live a cleansed and pure lifestyle which was safe enough to nurture you? Why did I not acknowledge that I loved you so desperately while I had the chance to admit that to myself? Why did I utter the very things that will now forever haunt me, when I so selfishly wish that you had never gone? For I, in my pitiful self centred mindset had wished you were only a figment of my imagination; that you weren't there...and now you are not!
I hold dear the belief that you would have been something so beautiful, the world was not ready for you. It's a blessing at least that when you tore yourself away from me you didn't have to suffer as we did. Weeks and weeks of inner torment, never permitted to be vocalised and a pain so prevalent that I knew only too well that this was my karma. You left your tiny mark inside my heart and your scars in the body that once housed you safe and warm until the world took you away. I only hope you grow on the other side and find the other little ones to hold hands with. I hope you know the love that I send with you, in heartbroken regret that it will never be kissed upon your pretty cheeks. I hope that I never caused you any harm and that you went because you had no other choice.
Last of all little one I offer thanks to you for blessing us with the chance to hold onto you for just a little while. You had to go, of course we understand that it wasn't your fault you could not stay. I will wish until my last breath that you could have clung onto your life and not broken us so badly as you did through your departure. Thank you for being a product of a truly precious love and friendship and for proving to me that miracles truly exist. Forgive me for the tears that spill in mourning of the miracle that ceased.
I love you and I always will.
....so I looked down in utter horror, knowing this would be the only fragment of you I would ever be able to see or touch. Then somebody stepped in to hold my hand <3
Rest in peace xxx
